Fort Meade - USNA - Andrews AFB: Moving Mom - A Special Challenge

Did you miss me on Saturday?  You couldn't find me on Active Rain because I was helping my mother move across the hall from a studio unit to a one-bedroom apartment in the Assisted Living facility where she resides now.  Actually, one of my brothers did all the heavy lifting on Firday - I just helped the next day with getting her settled in. 

This drama actually began 3 years ago when we had a birthday party for Mom at my house to celebrate her 83rd.  It was a beautiful September day, about a year after she lost my dad - her soulmate since high school.  The entire family gathered from far and wide, but the confusion and noise created a series of events that lead to her fall and broken hip.  After that day, she never went home again.  From the hospital she went to rehab, from there to assisted living, then another assisted living place, and finally the facility where she lives now.  Maybe this move across the hall will be her last.

It's kinda scary just to think about it - leaving home for the afternoon to attend a party in your honor, and never going home again. 

Well, back to the move.  In many ways, this was a typical relocation, even though it was just across the hall.  Call the phone company, check; call the cable company, check; sign paperwork for the new place, check; pack your things, check...  As a retired REALTOR, she knows that checklist by heart.  She remembers things from those years, but not always what happened yesterday.

Who knew it could take five people eight hours to set up such a small apartment!  My brothers, their wives and I didn't really have a plan, but we all worked together like the teeny parts of a fine clock or the instruments in an orchestra.  While I got busy in the bedroom - arranging the furniture and the contents of her closet, hanging the shower curtain and setting out grooming necessities on the bathroom counter - my brothers started hooking up the cable TV and phone lines, then measuring for hanging the draperies, mirrors, and pictures; my sisters-in-law started unpacking boxes and deciding where to put her books, family photos and "treasures".  Other than a lunch break, we all literally worked eight hours - except Mom, with whom we frequently consulted out of respect for the fact this is, after all, HER new home.   Most of the time, though, she retreated to her favorite chair to stay out of our way.

At times we sort of ganged up on her, with all of us agreeing that a mirror should be vertical, in this case, not horizontal; or hanging the floral drapes in her bedroom, not the living room.  But it was a tremendous challenge to walk the fine line - arranging furniture in a way that makes HER comfortable - not necessarily the way you'd see it on HGTV;  labeling the electric switches so she knows which to use for the light and which operates the fan; speculating about which photos MUST be displayed and which can go in a drawer; helping her part with clothes that are worn out after 25 years as her "favorite" blouse or scarf or whatever. 

Will Mom find the kleenex tissues where I put them, on the shelf of her bedside table, or will she wander around looking for them because she expects them to be in her bathroom?  Where should I put the flashlight so she can find it?  After all, this is someone who doesn't remember anything without consulting her daily journal.  Will she even recall we were there to help her?

Maybe tomorrow, before I get too busy, I'll make an information page for Mom listing where we put things she might need.  I've seen her when she's been confused and disoriented - she's too proud to admit it, but she's frightened and she still can't get used to not having my dad to rely on any more.

Moving Mom was a special challenge for us, as it is for anyone whose parents have crossed over from being in charge to being confused.  For the elderly, "fear of the unknown" takes on a whole new meaning when everyday tasks can fall into that category. The frustration is sometimes evident in her face and body language, but she's proud and doesn't admit even to herself that she's in the right place now with someone available to assist her 24-7. 

As a daughter, I've done all I can to help this relocation go smoothly. 

And I know there's a parallel here with what I do, as a REALTOR - helping people find the right place for them to call home at any given time in their lives.  This experience provides a reminder to me of my serious responsibilities in that role, whether my clients are singles, young families, empty nesters, or elderly.   Thanks, Mom - I'm still learning from you.

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